Metamorphosis

I've been afraid for too long. Allowed myself to be deceived. Trampled upon. What you've said before, i was never like that in the past. The confidence waned, intimidation lingered. I had locked myself in the world of idealisms. Painted pictures of perfection. The more i held on, the more i realised what shams and facades they were. Yet, i refused to let go because they had become all too familiar to me. They became my holding fort; they became my belief system; they translated into actions and words which i carried out and spoke of. They shaped the me...of which one i detested. For periods, i hated that identity. For periods, i felt torn apart seemingly living a double life. For periods, i thought i was schizophrenic. I abhored the changes in me. I had lost myself. Metamorphosis. However, what i failed to see was this - the changes that took place was really a transformation in process. The transformation that took place in the past, that is taking place and that which will continue forth. For situations that came and hit me hard, i stumbled and fell hard, sometimes badly injured. Foolishly, i took value in the detractor's voice, believed the words from him and focused on the wrongs and the negatives. I saw myself a failure. Thus i behaved like a failure, thought like a failure and spoke like a failure. My wounds were never completedly healed becos i had subconsciously and even knowingly rubbed contaminated salt on them. I couldn't believe in your voice. I couldn't see the value of what was inside. Therefore, i grieved. Over the lost opportunities. Hence, i lamented. Over the underacheivements. I had allowed victimization to be programmed in my brain. I exhibited symptoms like a victim. Withdrawn and self-pitying. Whatever reasons that i could ever used, they were just excuses. Pathetic ones to be exact. i do not know when i came to this understanding but it has been a series of events for the past months that allowed me to receive new things in my heart. I know i have broken out of my victimized mentality in some way or another. i'm starting to accept and value the transformation that took place and is continuing in my personality, character and philosophy. I'm sensing a new rhythm of my heartbeat and a bounce in my stride. I'm allowing my wounds to be recovered and guarding them against infections. Images of victory and triumphant moments are stocked up in my mind. I'm preparing and awaiting for something better. I sense a new outpour. Let it come... Metamorphosis.